I’ve never thought of myself as a scaredy cat, but it seems just recently the times they are a changin’.
Lord knows over the years I’ve confronted a house full of beer fuelled rugby players at 3 in the morning because of the noise they were making, had a fist fight with a bloke because he pushed his way in front of me into a shopping queue, (on balance it was probably a draw.... but I like to think the point was made) watched more than my fair share of horror movies, and I’ve never had a moments qualm about walking around in the dark. In fact the only thing that, until last week, I can honestly say scared me was this fellow and his mates...
Yeah the common or garden house fly. They make my flesh creep and my toes curl in disgust at the mere thought of them. They’re so repugnant to me that I can’t even pick up a dead one and put it in the bin! Axe wielding maniac at the front door...not a problem I’ll send him packing. Zombie apocalypse in the town... I have my brain splitting ice pick ready with my bug out bag... common house fly buzzing around the light shade... I’m out of there.
True story. It’s 1981 and I’m riding on my scooter to Scarborough with a pack of mates. It’s a lovely sunny day and I’m at the front thinking I must look pretty damn cool....
When I spot a blob hurtling towards me through the air. I’d have classified it immediately as a fly if it hadn’t been so ruddy big. I swear to god it was like a quarter pound beef burger. Anyway it hit me in the chops square on, which would have been bad enough, but worse was the fact that it then contrived to crawl right up my nose. Lol. The more I tried to snort it out, the further up it went, buzzing in angst. There was nothing I could do whilst riding apart from avoid crashing straight into the curb. The experience clearly scarred me for life!
Sorry just went off to puke for a moment. Where was I? Ah yes.... And that was it; my kryptonite as it were...until last week.
I’ve always had a love of the sea, which is probably some sort of reaction to having spent most of my life living as far away from it as nature could contrive. Now in splendid retirement by the coast I’ve had the opportunity to redress that and have taken to swimming off this local beach.
Of course it’s bloomin’ cold in there at the moment so I eventually kitted myself out in full wetsuit etc, the only downside being that I now bore more than a passing resemblance to this chap who has recently lost his bearings and ended up on the Pembrokeshire coast.
I’m sure Wally the walrus is jolly nice but The Current Mrs Broom jokingly asked what I’d do if he came across me in the sea and became amorous. Would I be able to stop a 2,000Ib walrus from humping me?
Good question!
Anywhoo... we had one day last week when it wasn’t lashing down with rain so I took the opportunity to nip out for a quick dip, undaunted by the prospect of being buggered by an over large sea mammal. The sea was crystal blue and very inviting until I got out by the end of the rocks. It was here that the clouds rolled in and the water turned icy grey.
Doing the front crawl I occasionally lifted my head from the water to grab a breath and I noticed the change in the weather and something looking remarkably like this...
About 20ft away.
If I’d been towed by a speedboat I don’t think I’d have got back to the beach any faster.
I mean, on reflection it had to be a dolphin didn’t it!
Didn’t it?
So...I guess the common house fly has just been pushed into second place.
If anyone wants a cheap wetsuit, get in touch.
Yeah...it was definitely a dolphin.
Bound to be.
I’m guessing that you have had an encounter with a Basking Shark.
ReplyDeleteI have a problem with Horseflies …… though they seem to like me! A few years ago, while wearing shorts on a summers day in a wildlife centre, I felt the bite on the back of my calf, I killed the thing, but there was a break in my skin and blood, which didn’t bode well. Within a couple of days there was an infection that you could actually see tracking up the leg!
Hi Norm, a guy I work with, who’s born and bred here tells me that dolphins are quite common off that headland. So I’m sticking with that. Horse flies are nasty buggers alright, I’m just glad they’ve never had a taste for me!
DeleteNow I’m jealous of you, having that sea to swim in on your doorstep.
ReplyDeleteHi Nundanket, not sure if I’ll be going back in the water anytime soon. It scaredthe beejayzus out of me.
DeleteSuperb coastline for you to walk along or have a swim in! Flies don't bother me (my wife hates them) but horse flies love to bite me an on average I get one bite per Summer:(
ReplyDeleteHey Steve, sorry to hear you’re also on the horse fly menu, they don’t seem very common this far west, which is a blessing. I think I’ll stick to the shallows with the grandkids from here on in, but yes there are some lovely walks along our coastal paths that I can indulge in when the weather improves.
DeleteEasy to tell apart ... if it was laughing at you it was a dolphin. If it was grinning, it was a shark!
ReplyDeleteRegards, Chris
https://notquitemechanised.wordpress.com/
Hi Chris, cheers for dropping by! Next time I see one it’ll be through binoculars and a good long distance away. Couldn’t even bring myself to go near the fish counter in the supermarket today!
DeleteOh, how I have missed your tales of daily life, JBM! Great story and very entertaining. While it could have been the dorsal fin of a dolphin, it may have been a Great White! Yeah, the story is better if you put in that you out swam a Great White back to shore. Lovely beach photo.
ReplyDeleteHi Jonathan, glad you found my near demise entertaining! Unfortunately the whole 1 post about wargaming 2 posts about nonesense seem to be happening again, just like the old blog. I must try to remain more on track!
DeleteGreat stuff JBM, could only have happened to you on both counts :) What a lovely beach that looks, very good for you is sea swimming according to my Uncle Frank and Cousin Allan, both over seventies and regulars at it who look as fit as fiddles. The fly experience was the more scary to me, I understand your loathing for the creatures. When we first arrived in Spain I was bitten to buggery by mosquitos on the legs which then came up in purple patches. My daughters took some photos and took them to the Pharmacia where they showed them to the women behind the counter, ended up with three of them gathered round looking incredulously at them, I don't think they had ever seen a pair of legs quite like it! I ended up in hospital. Glad we don't have the damn things here.
ReplyDeleteHey Lee, yeah it’s meant to be really good for you isn’t it. We have a group of local older women who go swimming there even in the winter - the group are called the Blue Tits - I kid you not. I can see the benefits of the healthy outdoor exercise but the prospect of being buggered by a Walrus or menaced by whatever the hell that was in the water kind of outweighs it to my mind. Sounds like you had a bad turn in Spain. Mozzie bites can be very nasty. If you go abroad again, cover your exposed parts in goose grease...that’ll fox ‘em.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have seen a number of unusual things floating down the Trent (Including a garden shed) I have yet to see anything shark shaped...
ReplyDeleteFlies... well... they eat poop.
Does anyone like them?
I thought you were going to say you swallowed it... but no... up your nose... the horror 😱.
My ex wife used to believe that moths would crawl into her ears... because when she was young her uncle told her that’s what they did... I always thought that was very kind of him 😳
All the best. Aly
A shed floating down the Trent eh. D’you think there was still a chap in it tinkering with a lawn mower? I’m not sure what the convention is for abandoning a shed. I mean if your the Captain of a sinking ship your meant to go down with it aren’t you? But a shed...mmmm.
DeleteUncles are great aren’t they, especially bad ones that teach you how to smoke or ride a motorbike without your parents knowledge. I did once tell my two nieces that Jelly Tots were made out of pigs nipples dusted with sugar, putting them off them for ever I’m told, so I suspect that puts me in bad uncle territory.
Wow, very impressive post, with splendid pictures and interesting stories...Grettings to Wally the walrus!
ReplyDeleteMerci Phil, Wally the walrus has now disappeared, so I might go back in the sea again shortly.
DeleteWell done on surviving and avoiding unspeakable behaviour on the part of the walrus, do do do! I can't remember how it goes, you will be pleased to know that there is a heavily pregnant great white shark making it's way across the Atlantic, let's face it the probability of it hitting Pembrokeshire is high,isn't it?
ReplyDeleteBest Iain
Hope she’s not coming over here to claim ruddy child support! It was a one night thing...and she said she was on the pill.
DeleteLol great post. My wife hates flues with a vengeance, whereas I really don't care...I don't want them wandering across my food, but that's about it. Here in NZ sharks are pretty common...attacks are very rare, but almost every summer we see news reports from a helicopter of multiple threatening looking shapes within a hundred metres or less of crowded swimming beaches...its akways in the back of my mind that I don't know what's out there with me when I am swimming in the sea(a rarity nowadays to be fair!)
ReplyDeleteHi there, thanks for dropping by, from the other side of the world no less! I think any kind of helicopter camera shots of what was lurking near to me while I swam would totally freak me out. I’m still being reassured by locals that it was a dolphin...and yes we do have them here I’ve since found out, but the grandkids are coming on Monday and I’d previously promised them we’d go boarding off that beach. Wonder if they sell shark repellent in Aldi?
Delete