I’ve never thought of myself as a scaredy cat, but it seems just recently the times they are a changin’.
Lord knows over the years I’ve confronted a house full of beer fuelled rugby players at 3 in the morning because of the noise they were making, had a fist fight with a bloke because he pushed his way in front of me into a shopping queue, (on balance it was probably a draw.... but I like to think the point was made) watched more than my fair share of horror movies, and I’ve never had a moments qualm about walking around in the dark. In fact the only thing that, until last week, I can honestly say scared me was this fellow and his mates...
Yeah the common or garden house fly. They make my flesh creep and my toes curl in disgust at the mere thought of them. They’re so repugnant to me that I can’t even pick up a dead one and put it in the bin! Axe wielding maniac at the front door...not a problem I’ll send him packing. Zombie apocalypse in the town... I have my brain splitting ice pick ready with my bug out bag... common house fly buzzing around the light shade... I’m out of there.
True story. It’s 1981 and I’m riding on my scooter to Scarborough with a pack of mates. It’s a lovely sunny day and I’m at the front thinking I must look pretty damn cool....
When I spot a blob hurtling towards me through the air. I’d have classified it immediately as a fly if it hadn’t been so ruddy big. I swear to god it was like a quarter pound beef burger. Anyway it hit me in the chops square on, which would have been bad enough, but worse was the fact that it then contrived to crawl right up my nose. Lol. The more I tried to snort it out, the further up it went, buzzing in angst. There was nothing I could do whilst riding apart from avoid crashing straight into the curb. The experience clearly scarred me for life!
Sorry just went off to puke for a moment. Where was I? Ah yes.... And that was it; my kryptonite as it were...until last week.
I’ve always had a love of the sea, which is probably some sort of reaction to having spent most of my life living as far away from it as nature could contrive. Now in splendid retirement by the coast I’ve had the opportunity to redress that and have taken to swimming off this local beach.
Of course it’s bloomin’ cold in there at the moment so I eventually kitted myself out in full wetsuit etc, the only downside being that I now bore more than a passing resemblance to this chap who has recently lost his bearings and ended up on the Pembrokeshire coast.
I’m sure Wally the walrus is jolly nice but The Current Mrs Broom jokingly asked what I’d do if he came across me in the sea and became amorous. Would I be able to stop a 2,000Ib walrus from humping me?
Good question!
Anywhoo... we had one day last week when it wasn’t lashing down with rain so I took the opportunity to nip out for a quick dip, undaunted by the prospect of being buggered by an over large sea mammal. The sea was crystal blue and very inviting until I got out by the end of the rocks. It was here that the clouds rolled in and the water turned icy grey.
Doing the front crawl I occasionally lifted my head from the water to grab a breath and I noticed the change in the weather and something looking remarkably like this...
About 20ft away.
If I’d been towed by a speedboat I don’t think I’d have got back to the beach any faster.
I mean, on reflection it had to be a dolphin didn’t it!
Didn’t it?
So...I guess the common house fly has just been pushed into second place.
If anyone wants a cheap wetsuit, get in touch.
Yeah...it was definitely a dolphin.
Bound to be.